That is why I would like to develop an AI wellbeing assistant that is fine-tuned to adapt to the needs of people with neurodevelopmental conditions—and still useful to anyone. It should not try to be a therapist; not a replacement for clinical care. It should be a practical assistant designed to help people start, continue and complete the routines, reflections and communications that support wellbeing. In this post I explain why psychologists should be involved in building systems like this, why such systems cannot be therapists, and where they can play a helpful role in the lives of neurodivergent adults.

The gap I want to close Services are stretched. Waiting lists are long. Appointments are brief. Even when
care is available, there is a large space between those touchpoints where people are left to navigate on their own. That space is where many important things happen: preparing for a meeting with a GP; breaking down an administrative task; noticing a pattern in sleep or focus; drafting a message that needs to be clear and respectful of one’s own needs; deciding what is “enough” for today.

For many neurodivergent adults, the standard advice to “just plan better,” “use a calendar,” or “try a different app” is not helpful. The issue is rarely a lack of effort. It is often a mismatch between how tools are built and how a person’s attention, motivation, sensory experience, and tolerance for uncertainty work. A supportive tool needs to be consistent, literal when asked, flexible when needed, and predictable in the way it delivers structure.

An AI assistant, when designed carefully, could help close this gap by offering:

• Clear, stepwise guidance that respects the user’s preferred level of detail.
• Predictable structure that reduces surprise and keeps a steady pace.
• Flexible, plain-language explanations that avoid ambiguity.
• The ability to adapt to the person’s patterns over time.

This is not about replacing human help. It is about offering steady, well-designed prompts and plans that can sit in the background of daily life and become available the moment they are needed.

What an AI wellbeing assistant is—and is not

By “AI wellbeing assistant,” I mean a conversational tool that uses a large language model to generate and adjust text-based support. One that can help organise tasks, shape routines, prepare communication, prompt reflection, and translate complex information into clearer steps. It should remember user-stated preferences within a session and follow a chosen structure (“always give me three steps, then ask if I
want more”). It should be able to follow instructions to avoid figurative language and to present information in checklists, timelines, or scripts, depending on the user’s preference.

However, we must remember that an AI wellbeing assistant is not a person. It does not form a therapeutic relationship. It does not hold professional responsibility. It does not see your context the way a clinician does. It cannot ethically diagnose, treat, or offer crisis care. It is a tool—one that should be measured by whether it helps people move through their days with greater clarity, steadiness and control.

Why psychologists should help build these systems

Psychologists bring a particular kind of know-how that is crucial here. We are trained to notice patterns, to test assumptions, and to design interventions that are clear, proportionate, and humane. In the context of an AI wellbeing assistant, that translates into several responsibilities.

1) Designing for real needs, not for novelty
New technology often begins with what it can do rather than what people actually need. Psychologists who work with neurodivergent adults are close to the practical tasks that make the most difference: deciding on a starting point, keeping a manageable pace, building rest into plans, setting limits that protect energy, and maintaining a sense of agency. When psychologists are at the table, the assistant is
more likely to prioritise these foundations over shiny features.

2) Reducing cognitive load
Small changes in how information is presented can have large effects. Clear headings, consistent layouts, literal instructions on request, and visible “next steps” make tasks less taxing. Psychologists are used to shaping information so it can be processed without unnecessary strain. That design discipline should be baked into an assistant from the start.

3) Respecting differences without pathologising
An assistant that constantly pushes a single “right way” to work will undermine the very people it is supposed to support. Psychologists can help the system offer options without judgement: time-boxed bursts or gentle pacing; text or checklists; quiet prompts or explicit countdowns; short summaries or deeper explanations. The point is not to normalise anyone—it is to help the person do what matters to them in a way that fits their style.

4) Setting safe and clear boundaries
A responsible assistant must know what is outside its scope. Psychologists understand when a prompt is drifting into treatment territory, when risk needs human attention, and when the best contribution is to slow down and recommend contact with a clinician or a trusted person. These boundaries protect users and keep the tool honest about what it can and cannot do.

5) Using evidence without turning the tool into a textbook
People need practical help, not lectures. Psychologists can translate well-supported methods (for example, step-wise planning, problem-solving approaches, sleep-supporting routines, or values-based goal-setting) into short, actionable prompts. The skill lies in offering enough structure to be useful while keeping the tone plain and non-directive.

6) Measuring what actually matters
We should evaluate the assistant by outcomes that people care about: fewer dropped steps, clearer communication, more prepared appointments, steadier routines, and a greater sense of control. Psychologists can design simple, low- burden ways to check whether those outcomes are improving and adjust the assistant accordingly.

Why an AI assistant cannot be a therapist

The word “therapist” carries specific meanings: training, supervision, accountability, and a human relationship that supports change. No matter how advanced a model becomes, several features of therapy are not replicable by a tool

Human relationship and responsibility

Therapy is not just information; it is a relationship grounded in trust, presence and accountability. A therapist notices subtleties in tone, timing and pauses. They adjust to the person in front of them, not only to the words that person uses. They are also responsible for the decisions they make and the guidance they offer. An AI system cannot carry that responsibility or offer that kind of attuned presence.

Context and judgement

Therapists hold the wider picture: history, personal commitments, support networks, and the many pressures that shape a life. They help make sense of patterns over time and across contexts. An assistant can work with what is shared in a conversation, but it does not bear the ethical duty of understanding a person’s full story or of coordinating with other supports. It should not attempt to.

Risk and crisis

When risk emerges, therapists know how to respond, who to contact, and how to act in the person’s best interests. An assistant should never be used for emergency care or for decisions that require human safeguarding. Its role is to encourage steady routines and clearer plans, not to substitute for urgent support.

Boundaries and scope

Assessment, diagnosis, and therapy belong in human hands. An assistant can help someone prepare for an assessment, keep records of questions they want to ask, or turn a plan from therapy into daily steps. But it must not present itself as providing therapy. Clear boundaries are protective, not restrictive.

In short, an AI assistant can be useful precisely because it is not trying to be a therapist. It focuses on the practical layer of daily life where small steps add up, and it does so without claiming clinical authority.

Design principles that matter for neurodivergent adults

The assistant I’m building follows principles shaped by years of listening to what helps. These are not gimmicks; they are basics done thoroughly.

Predictable structure

Consistency lowers effort. The assistant uses stable templates: aim, steps, time estimate, obstacles, and next review point. The same structure appears each time unless the user requests a change. Predictability reduces the energy cost of starting.

Clarity by default, depth on demand

The assistant begins with clear, succinct guidance. If more detail is desired, it can expand on request. This keeps the initial interaction focused and avoids overloading the user.

Literal, plain language

When asked, the assistant removes metaphors and ambiguity and gives concrete, testable steps. It can also translate dense instructions into straightforward checklists.

Adjustable pacing

People differ in how they like to move through tasks. The assistant can work in brief bursts with pauses, in single-task focus blocks, or in gentle, spaced steps with longer intervals. It adapts to the user’s chosen rhythm.

Energy-aware plans

Plans include buffers for transitions, rest, and recovery. The assistant does not reward over-extension; it helps set limits that protect energy and attention.

Gentle accountability

The assistant can ask whether a plan felt manageable, what helped, and what got in the way. It does so without judgement. The aim is to learn what works for this person and to refine the next plan accordingly.

Communication support without scripting people’s lives
The assistant can help draft emails or messages that are clear and to the point, and organise thoughts before appointments. It suggests neutral wording when requested, and it keeps the user’s own voice central.

Where an AI wellbeing assistant belongs in daily life
Because this tool is not a therapist, its value lies in the texture of everyday routines. Here are areas where it can make a steady difference without overreaching.

Preparing and planning

• Turning intentions into a short sequence of steps with realistic time estimates.
• Adding protective buffers around transitions (before and after a meeting, between errands).
• Grouping related tasks to reduce context switching.
• Making visible what is “enough” for today so that stopping can be a choice,not a doubt.

Getting started and keeping going

• Offering a brief “first action” that lowers the barrier to beginning.
• Running quiet, written “focus sessions” with timed checkpoints.
• Tracking what helped and what hindered, so the next plan is sharper.

Communication and advocacy

• Converting complex points into concise messages while preserving nuance.
• Structuring questions for appointments so the important items are discussed.
• Preparing explanations of needs in clear, respectful language that does not undercut the person’s autonomy.

Reflection and pattern-spotting

• Keeping simple, low-effort logs of sleep, focus, overstimulation, and recovery that the user defines.
• Noticing patterns the user asks it to watch for (“Did shorter work block help?”) and providing summaries on request.
• Encouraging values-aligned choices by linking tasks to what matters to the user, without moralising.
• Learning and work
• Translating instructions into stepwise checklists.
• Clarifying terminology into plain language.
• Providing alternate formats (brief summary, bullet points, or fuller explanation) depending on the moment.

Daily living and transitions

• Building routines that include rest and sensory regulation.
• Offering reminders that are descriptive rather than alarming.
• Helping set boundaries around time and commitments.
• None of this requires the assistant to be a therapist. It requires the assistant to be steady, clear, adaptable, and modest about its role.

Safeguards and honest limits

Any responsible system must be open about its limits.

• No crisis use. The assistant is not designed for emergencies or urgent mental health concerns. In those situations, human help is essential.
• No diagnosis or treatment. It does not assess, diagnose, or treat conditions. It helps organise daily life and prepare for clinical conversations, if those are happening.
• Fallibility is expected. All language models make mistakes. The assistant is designed to keep suggestions simple, check for understanding, and invite correction.
• User control. The user chooses the level of structure, the tone, and the format. The assistant follows those settings and asks before changing them.
• Conservative claims. The assistant sticks to practical planning, communication support, and reflection prompts. It does not make sweeping promises.
• These limits are not obstacles; they are the basis for trust.

How an AI Wellbeing Assistant Could be Effectively Built

A tool is only as good as the process that shapes it. The development approach should be centred on co-design with neurodivergent adults. That includes:

• Iterative testing of prompts, formats and pacing until the interaction feels calm and useful.
• Removing ambiguity unless the user explicitly wants brainstorming.
• Keeping the default outputs brief and structured, with optional depth.
• Ensuring the assistant can acknowledge uncertainty and ask clarifying questions without derailing the user’s momentum.
• Measuring outcomes people care about: fewer abandoned tasks, clearer communication, steadier days, and a stronger sense of agency.
• The aim should be to produce an assistant that feels like a clear-headed colleague who respects your way of working and adjusts to it.

What success looks like

• Success is practical and observable. People should notice that:
• Starting is less effortful because the first step is concrete and small.
• Plans are realistic and include rest, so completion does not require a surge of willpower.
• Communication takes less time and lands more clearly.
• Appointments feel more productive because questions and priorities are ready.
• Patterns that matter become visible without complex tracking.
• There is more room for what the person values, not just what is urgent.
• If those things happen reliably, the assistant is doing its job.

Why this matters for the profession

Psychologists are, at core, experts in behaviour—how people initiate, sustain, and change actions in real conditions. That expertise should shape any LLM intended for wellbeing: not just what it says, but how it structures choices, pacing, prompts, and feedback so that helpful behaviour becomes easier. We understand reinforcement, habit formation, motivation under uncertainty, sensory load, and the influence of context and cues; those principles belong in the model’s design and everyday functioning.

Without expert psychological input, an LLM can sound plausible while nudging unhelpful patterns—overcommitment, avoidance, or brittle perfectionism. Embedding behavioural science from the outset ensures the assistant doesn’t only “look right” in text, it actually supports the behaviours that matter.
Psychologists should not stand on the sidelines while general-purpose AI systems are applied to wellbeing. We have a responsibility to shape the tools that people will use, to protect boundaries, and to keep the focus on human agency. Our input ensures that:

• The tone is respectful without being sentimental.
• The structure reduces effort rather than adding a new layer of complexity.
• The system is transparent about limits and routes people back to human care when needed.
• Evaluations are meaningful and improvements are driven by real outcomes,not click metrics.

Involvement does not mean turning therapy into templates. It means translating what we know about pacing, clarity, and everyday support into a tool that is available when needed. Building and maintaining language-model assistants is a highly technical field, and the entry barrier for clinicians is real. That is exactly why we need to educate ourselves enough to contribute—not to become software engineers, but to bring clinical judgement, ethical sense, and practical knowledge of what actually helps.

If psychologists step back, design choices are made only by technical teams, narrowing the knowledge base and increasing the risk of tools that are misleading, unhelpful, or unsafe. Learning the basics—how these systems generate outputs, where they fail, and how to evaluate them—lets us collaborate as equal partners and set sensible guardrails. Our profession should treat this as core literacy for modern
care, not a specialist hobby.

Many patients, psychologists and therapists are understandably wary of AI. That caution is healthy. The best way to reduce it is to contribute to how these tools are made—bringing clinical standards, behavioural science, and lived experience into the design. An effective wellbeing assistant should be continually tested with neurodivergent adults, and by neurodivergent psychologists with a foot in both camps, which helps us spot where tone, pacing or prompts slip from helpful to unhelpful. This hands-on, iterative testing, combined with clear boundaries and transparent evaluation, is how justified concern becomes informed confidence in those with understandable concerns about AI.

A clear place in the ecosystem of care
Here is the place I see for an AI wellbeing assistant:

• Between sessions: to keep plans moving, record what helped, and prepare questions for next time.
• Alongside self-management: to turn intentions into steps and keep those steps visible and proportionate.
• In work and study: to clarify tasks and reduce the effort of getting started.
• In daily living: to steady routines and transitions with clear, adjustable prompts.
• At decision points: to lay out options plainly and check they fit the person’s values and current energy.
• This is a supportive, bounded role. It is practical, not clinical. It is broad enough to help many people and flexible enough to serve those with specific access needs.

Closing

I would like to build a wellbeing assistant because too many people are left to carry too much of the organising, planning and translating alone. When designed with care, an AI wellbeing assistant can lower those burdens. It can do so without pretending to be a therapist and without speaking down to the people it aims to support.

For neurodivergent adults—and indeed for anyone who wants steadier days—the goal is simple: clearer steps, kinder pacing, and a stronger sense of control over the shape of everyday life. If a tool can consistently provide that, it earns its place. And if psychologists help design it, that place will be safer, more useful, and more respectful of the many ways minds can work.

How to Use an AI Wellbeing Assistant Safely – Some Tips

1. Speak Naturally and Authentically
   You don’t need to find perfect words. Just speak as you would to someone who listens with care. You can begin with what’s present for you:
   “I’ve been feeling anxious and I’m not sure why.”
   “Can you help me plan my day when I’m struggling with motivation?”
   Your wellbeing assistant should respond with empathy and evidence-informed guidance.
2. Be Patient and Keep an Open Mind
   Your wellbeing assistant should learn from the flow of your conversation, so it may not always respond exactly as you expect at first. You can clarify or guide it back to your focus.
   Think of it like an interactive self-help workbook: the more you stay engaged, the more helpful and aligned to your needs it becomes.
3. Explore Guidance and Tools
   Your wellbeing assistant should offer both reflection and practical strategies. You can ask it for:
   Coping techniques for anxiety or low mood Structure and planning help for focus and motivation
   Emotional awareness and communication support Small “action steps” to practise between conversation
4. Understand Its Role
   Your wellbeing assistant is a psychologically informed AI support assistant, not a human therapist.
   It might help you gain perspective and build coping skills, but it isn’t designed to replace professional care.
5. Personalise the Way You Interact
   Tell it your preferences:
   “I prefer clear, step-by-step explanations.”
   “Can you check in on how I’m feeling before suggesting anything?”
   This flexibility can make it especially supportive for neurodiverse users who may experience communication or focus challenges.
6. If You are Feeling Suicidal or Like you want to Harm Yourself
   An AI wellbeing assistant might suggest where you can get help but it cannot offer useful support that a human being can give. So, please contact someone for a chat, someone you can trust, such as a family member, friend, GP (some are very responsive), a familiar mental health professional (e.g., a therapist, mental health nurse, crisis team) or a helpline, such as the Samaritans (and others
   that are listed in my resources page on this website).
7. Approach It as a Journey, Not a Quick Fix
   Your wellbeing assistant will work better when used as part of your ongoing wellbeing practice — like journaling, mindfulness, or coaching. Each conversation can be a step toward understanding yourself better. Be pragmatic – AI models make mistakes and hallucinate – if something does not
   feel right or seems odd, question it, ask for reference links to assess source information and above all:

Here’s a very cute pooch as a landing pad after a very serious article!

Daydreaming, also referred to as ‘zoning out’, is one of the numerous debilitating and often misunderstood symptom of ADHD and also affects many people with ASD. These terms are often used pejoratively because in common use, they carry meanings associated with boredom, time wasting and laziness. Anyone with a neuro-developmental condition is likely to have a long history of hearing the words, “stop daydreaming”, “pay attention”, “you’re being lazy”, “how many times do I have to tell you…?!” These phrases convey assumptions that the person affected is choosing not to try hard enough or simply allowing themselves to be sluggish.

In fact, there is extensive evidence to suggest that ‘daydreaming’ is what happens when a group of brain regions referred to as the Default Mode Network (DMN) become most active, which is when we are at rest.Therefore, rest does not equate to inactivity!

The DMN is thought to be activated when we focus our attention towards internal mental-state processes, such as self-referential processing (who am I? What kind of person am I?), autobiographical memory retrieval (I remember when…), imagining the future (If I win the lottery…) and interoception (an internal sense of our body). The DMN is thought to underpin much of our creative capacity as humans. When we are focused on external tasks, the DMN is deactivated and another network is activated to allow this, the Executive Control Network (ECN).

The activation and deactivation of the DMN is controlled by another network referred to as the Salience Network (SN). The SN decides what should be attended to and either activates the DMN or activates the ECN, but both cannot be active simultaneously (referred to as anticorrelation). Think of it like putting your shoes on stood up; you have to have the left foot off the floor to get the right shoe on. If both are off the floor you will fall overand if both feet are on the floor, you can’t get the shoes on. The diagram below shows the brain regions involved in each of these 3 networks.

The adaptive capacity of the DMN is evident in the way that human beings need to integrate information about the past and present in relation to themselves in order to attend to the self, develop self-awareness and insight, predict and imagine the future. But, the ability to use the information generated by the DMN in our daily lives requires it to switch off so that it can be made use of by the ECN for purposes of survival, safety and cooperative social functioning.

DMN Differences and Difficulties

For most people, these three networks function in a synchronised fashion, allowing salient stimuli to determine whether the focus of attention is, broadly speaking, directed inwards or outwards.However, for people who are neuro-diverse, the synchronisation of these networks is different. In ADHD, the DMN is overconnected and over-active which prevents the ECN from activating sufficiently. Hence, the familiar tendency to drift into internal thoughts and ideas with accompanying difficulties attending to external stimuli and tasks. It is also thought that an over-active DMN may interfere with emotional processing as down-regulation of the DMN is required for regulating emotions (Sheline et al., 2009).

In ASD it is thought that these networks are also relevant but in slightly different ways. Rather than being associated with DMN activity, the issue is reduced connectivity, and reduced activity,between some of regions in the DMN (Menon, 2018). Although these differences can interfere with attention in people with ASD, they also seem to be associated with self-awareness and self-other awareness, which creates further challenges in social contexts.

Heightened activity in the DMN has also been linked to anxiety and depression, possibly because the tendency to ruminate and focus attention on thoughts of past and present problems and what this means to our sense of self and expectations of the future takes on a negative bias.Negative thinking seems to further activate the DMN in a vicious cycle of distressing rumination.Hence, the degree of comorbidity of other mental health problems in people with neuro developmental conditions seems unsurprising, when considered in the context of alterations in DMN connectivity and function. Further, considering that the misuse of illicit substances has been shown to suppress DMN activity (Sutherland et al., 2012), it is understandable how dependency can develop in people with neurodevelopmental conditions and mental health difficulties.

Switching off the DMN

At this point, one might ask how, if the DMN can be so problematic, do we switch it off?This is an important question and a fundamental concept pertinent to managing the anxiety and mood instability generated by many conditions. Sleep problems are an additional issue for many people with ASD and ADHD and sleep deprivation, paradoxically, has been shown to reduce DMN activity (De Havas, Parimal, Soon& Chee, 2012); nonetheless, this is of little benefit due to the resulting reduced activity of the CEN.Further, although it is far from advisable to smoke, nicotine reduces DMN activity (Tanabe et al., 2011) and is a better alternative to illicit drugs.

Touch

There is evidence that touch can initiate brain activity associated with attention shifting from the inner to the outer world, which is controlled by reduced activity in the DMN (Strauss et al., 2019). This is likely to be adaptive in terms of social experience, cooperation, which is central to our existence as primates and of fundamental importance to our sense of belonging and safety. The kind I’ve touched that an individual finds comforting is of course contextual and a very personal thing. Effective modes of touch might be that involved in a hug from a friend or relative, the feel of a comforting blanket or item of clothing, the physical sensations generated by a warm shower or the feel of our feet sinking into sand.

Meditation

Meditation is the practice of maintaining attention on immediate moment-by-moment experience and away from distractions, such as the mind wanderings linked to the DMN. Research has shown that different modes of meditation, do indeed reduce activity in the DMN. The use of focused attention or phrase repetition in meditation seems to have a de-activating effect upon the DMN, which increases with greater experience of meditation. Meditation has been shown to improve memory and attention, in addition to alleviating pain, anxiety and depression (Garrison et al., 2015).

Awe and Hypnosis

An interesting research study has indicated that when people experience feelings of ‘awe’ through the immersive perception of a broad range of stimuli the DMN is down regulated (Van Elk et. al., 2019). Similarly, hypnosis has also been shown to be associated with reduced DMN activity (Deeley, et. al., 2012). Curiously, pro-social behaviour, such as generosity and careis seen to increase after exposure to awe inspiring landscapes, which is thought to be a consequence of the brain generating a ‘smaller’ sense of self.

Medication

The use of stimulants to treat ADHD can be highly effective in reducing DMN activation. The use of stimulants to deactivate the brain region may seem counterintuitive. However, if inhibitory pathways are under-active and these are required to deactivate the DMN, then activating these pathways will reduce DMN activity. It is important to note that not all individuals with ADHD respond well to medication. There are alternatives to stimulant medication which are also affective through different neural mechanisms.

Understanding the mechanism of brain functioning that underlies some of the most problematic symptoms of neurodevelopmental conditions provides us with clues to finding ways to managing them. The alternative may be the risk of finding strategies anecdotally that are of detrimental to other aspects of mental and physical health.

References

Deeley, Q., Oakley, D. A., Toone, B., Giampietro, V., Brammer, M. J., Williams, S. C., & Halligan, P. W. (2012). Modulating the default mode network using hypnosis. International Journal of Clinical and Experimental Hypnosis, 60(2), 206-228.

De Havas, J. A., Parimal, S., Soon, C. S., & Chee, M. W. (2012). Sleep deprivation reduces default mode network connectivity and anti-correlation during rest and task performance. Neuroimage, 59(2), 1745-1751.

Garrison, K. A., Zeffiro, T. A., Scheinost, D., Constable, R. T., & Brewer, J. A. (2015). Meditation leads to reduced default mode network activity beyond an active task. Cognitive, Affective, &Behavioral Neuroscience, 15(3), 712-720.

Menon, V. (2018). The triple network model, insight, and large-scale brain organization in autism. Biological psychiatry, 84(4), 236-238.

Sheline, Y. I., Barch, D. M., Price, J. L., Rundle, M. M., Vaishnavi, S. N., Snyder, A. Z., … &Raichle, M. E. (2009). The default mode network and self-referential processes in depression. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 106(6), 1942-1947.

Sutherland, M. T., McHugh, M. J., Pariyadath, V., & Stein, E. A. (2012). Resting state functional connectivity in addiction: Lessons learned and a road ahead. Neuroimage, 62(4), 2281-2295.

Strauss, T., Kämpe, R., Hamilton, J. P., Olausson, H., Rottstädt, F., Raue, C., &Croy, I. (2019). Deactivation of default mode network during touch. Scientific reports, 9(1), 1-11.

Tanabe, J., Nyberg, E., Martin, L. F., Martin, J., Cordes, D., Kronberg, E., &Tregellas, J. R. (2011). Nicotine effects on default mode network during resting state. Psychopharmacology, 216(2), 287-295.

Van Elk, M., Arciniegas Gomez, M. A., van der Zwaag, W., Van Schie, H. T., & Sauter, D. (2019). The neural correlates of the awe experience: Reduced default mode network activity during feelings of awe. Human brain mapping, 40(12), 3561-3574.

I am writing this blog post following on from the previous post I wrote on compassion during the period of lock down easing. As of 7^th July, it has become compulsory (by law) to wear a face covering in shops as a way to help prevent the spread of Coronavirus. Although the evidence suggests that thin paper masks and cotton masks do not protect people from catching the virus, the UK Government have stated that evidence suggests wearing masks and other face coverings minimizes the spread of covid-19 in fluid droplets due to coughing, sneezing or shouting.

Therefore, wearing face coverings is a social responsibility to protect vulnerable people and show concern and compassion for others. It is precisely this that leaves me sad and dismayed when I hear of vulnerable people being challenged, questioned and even verbally abused in public when they do not wear face coverings, yet they are legally exempt from wearing them.

The experience of going out in public during this confusing period when lock down rules are changing frequently in different areas is certainly very stressful. Wearing masks and other face coverings can make this much harder, frustrating and more anxiety provoking for everyone. However, I ask anyone reading this post to be mindful that there can be many reasons people do not wear face coverings in shops or other public spaces, such as GP surgeries, hospitals and public transport and they are allowed to do so legally.

Rights

Challenging individuals and demanding that they wear a mask or insisting to know why they are not wearing a mask can be perceived as threatening and experienced as frightening and humiliating as well as an infringement of a person’s human rights i.e. their right to privacy (Article 8 in the Human Rights Act 1998). Article 8 describes the right to respect for your family and private life, your home and your correspondence. Challenging a vulnerable or disabled adult in public could be seen as pressure to disclose personal information without valid consent and therefore a breach of Article 8.

Disability Rights UK requested that the government provide balanced messages and information, to avoid disabled people living in fear of possible conflict with the public and police to prove impairment and illness. It is therefore advisable to consider your reasons for approaching someone about them not wearing a face covering in public and whether it is wiser and more respectful to trust that they have valid reasons for doing so.

The exemptions for the wearing of face-coverings are shown below:

• Children under the age of 11 years
• The following impairments:
  • Breathing Difficulty/Respiratory
  • Conditions affecting dexterity
  • Mental Health condition or panic disorders
  • Autism
  • Cognitive impairment
  • Visual impairment – including restricted field of view if the mask would make this worse
  • Impairments that make it difficult to put on or take off face coverings (such as skin conditions)
  • Dementia
• Where someone can wear a mask for some of the time but might need to take it off
• Carers or someone who is with someone that relies on lip reading, clear sound or facial expression
• If medication/eating is essential
• Not being able to put on, wear or remove a face covering because of a physical or mental illness or impairment, or disability
• If putting on, wearing or removing a face covering will cause you severe distress
• To avoid harm or injury, or the risk of harm or injury, to yourself or others
• To avoid injury, or to escape a risk of harm, and you do not have a face covering with you
• If a police officer or other official requests you remove your face covering
• If asked to do so by shop staff for the purpose of age identification

Respect

Respect is appropriate regard for the feelings, wishes and rights of others. If we anticipate to be given respect from those around us we should assume to show it. There are vulnerable people in our communities who are likely to be in one of the categories above. Therefore, I suggest we all try to give the respect and support to others that we would like for ourselves or those we care about. After all, we are in the midst of this pandemic together and need each other to get through it safely.

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us, ‘universe’, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”   (Albert Einstein)

Self-Compassion and Compassion Focused Therapy

I am writing about compassion and compassion focused therapy (CFT) this month, because I believe we are in a time where it is particularly important that we can feel permitted to be compassionate towards ourselves and to others. As we come out of lockdown I am reminded of the wise and reassuring words of Paul Gilbert, the creator of CFT, when I first heard him speak back in 2017:

“We all just find ourselves here with a brain, emotions and sense of a socially made self we did not choose, but have to figure out. Life involves dealing with tragedies; threats, losses, diseases, decay, death, and people do the best they can. Much of what goes on in our minds is not of ‘our design’ and not our fault. We are all in the same boat…”

As shops and cafes open and long queues become commonplace, social distancing measures may be more difficult to put into practice.  Such situations can be really stressful for everyone, but some of us are likely to be more adversely affected. For people who already struggle with stress and social anxiety, such as those with neuro development conditions and/or mental health problems, entering a world with new rules due to the Covid-19 pandemic is daunting. Needless to say, many people have gone through traumatic experiences as a consequence of the past four months, bringing past fears and anxieties to the surface. As we wait in queues and try to maintain safe distances from strangers, many mixed and confusing emotions may bubble inside us making mistakes or misunderstandings a possibility. Consequently, we could find ourselves saying and doing things that are out of character leaving us feeling embarrassed and full of regret.

Though it is by no means easy, I encourage everyone to consider their own and the perspectives of those around them as we embark on this challenging journey together. By ‘looking at the world through someone else’s eyes’, we are taking the first steps to connect with our  amazing and wonderful ability to empathise. When we are stressed or anxious using our empathic abilities is much harder, but is not impossible!  Having empathy for ourselves can help develop our empathy for others, but it may seem like a ridiculous or strange thing to suggest. But pause for one minute …, what do you know and understand about the way you think and feel in this very moment? If you have difficulty answering this question, what would make it easier to understand yourself? Is there some hidden ‘benefit’ in not doing so? If you can describe how you think and feel, what does it say about the way you relate to yourself?

In my experience, this knowledge can be put to good use, not only because I become more aware of how I can misinterpret others and become very self-critical, but because it is the first step to developing a more compassionate relationship with myself. I use the term compassion here to include empathy, care, forgiveness, wisdom, acceptance and responsibility.  Becoming more self-compassionate has also enabled many people around the world (including me) to become more compassionate towards others. Developing a compassionate mind is an ongoing process, a lifelong journey and a worthwhile one, which brings me back to Paul and CFT!

Compassion in a World with Covid-19

CFT (Gilbert, 2010) was originally developed to help people who suffer from shame. When we talk about shame we mean the negative feelings focused on our view of ourselves. The experiences we are all having whilst learning to live with the reality of Covid-19 may bring many different emotions such as anxiety, fear, embarrassment, sadness and anger, shame and guilt. Shame is a particularly painful emotion, compared to guilt, as it relates to feeling negatively about our individual characteristics or traits that are our ‘core self’, whereas ‘guilt’ tends to relate to our behaviour (though I am sure none of us would choose to feel either!). We all have a need to be thought of positively in the minds of others but we also need to feel good about ourselves. intense feelings of shame tend to be associated with the experience of rejection and exclusion in relationships that are important to us, such as with colleagues, friends, family and partners (Gilbert, 2009; Irons, 2019).

During lockdown we have all experienced worry and sadness due to separation from people (and animals) that are important to us, but an additional sense of exclusion may have also left many feeling ashamed. If we have previously experienced frequent rejection and/or bullying, social anxiety may add to this making it much harder to seek help and intensify that sense of isolation and feelings of shame (Welford, 2013). People find different ways to cope with this and protect themselves; we might become withdrawn, or angry, appear pompous or arrogant, but either way tends to cause those around us to back away exacerbating feelings of rejection and exclusion. To make things worse, even thinking about or imagining these awful experiences can bring those emotions back, adding to the vicious cycle.

The ‘Tricky’ Human Brain

The ability to imagine things and them feel so real is related to the more recent developments in the human brain that set us apart from most other animals. Due to these developments we have the modern human brain giving us self-awareness; we can think ahead and plan, fantasise and imagine things that never happened, but ruminate on them as if they actually did.

The older parts of our brain control our more primitive drives such as belonging to groups, status, and finding a mate.  This older part also allows us to detect threat and control the fight, flight, freeze responses through basic emotions such as anger, anxiety, joy, sadness and lust. However, as modern mammals our brains are social because we also need affection and care. It is this social brain that gives us need for social affiliation, love and a desire to respond to others.

Linked to our ‘tricky brain’ in the CFT model we think about emotions as driven by 3 systems shown in the diagram below.

The 3 Emotion Systems

1. We have a ‘motivation system’ driving us to consume and achieve creating feelings of excitement and energy within us.
2. We have a ‘threat system’, which signals when our safety is at risk through feelings of anger, anxiety, fear and disgust, telling us to find safety.
3. We also have a ‘soothing system’ generating feelings of comfort, love and calm when we are connected with others we trust and are engaged in calming and pleasurable activities.

We require all three of these systems to be in balance to cope with life. When they get out of balance, for example, if we are drawn into the world of endless work,  consumerism and risk taking as attempts to seek contentment, we begin to struggle.

The experience of trauma can cause the threat system to become hyper-aroused making it hard for people to seek help due to a fear of being hurt again and creating a barrier to self soothing (Lee & James, 2012). Living through a pandemic has been traumatising for many people and is likely to be sending the old brain into overdrive making it harder to think clearly, as we anticipate threat around, and possibly within, us from the Coronavirus. When it comes to our ability to cope, it makes sense that our motivation and threat systems will be trying to take the lead. The risk is that we can find ourselves feeling hypersensitive to any form of threat, including judgment, criticism, irritability or anger from others.   Our poor old soothing system may then take a backseat during lockdown, due to isolation and disconnection with our family, friends and colleagues, unless we make a concerted effort to keep it activated. “But how do I do this?” I hear you ask. Well I have given you a few clues up to this point…!

Self-Compassion and the Soothing System

Maintaining connection with people who are loving and considerate towards us activates our soothing system. It is also activated through activities that are pleasurable and calming to you personally, such as pottering around your garden, sipping a cup of your favourite tea or been wrapped up in duvet. Nonetheless we can activate our soothing system using SELF-COMPASSION! Some of the activities that can be done to enhance self-compassion are very simple and can be carried out anywhere. For example, ‘soothing breathing’ is an intrinsic part of self-soothing because it de-activates the stress response and used as a fundamental part of the compassionate mind training and compassion focused therapy.  Learning to pay attention to how we think and feel is also an essential part of developing a compassionate mind. Being able to notice and turn your attention toward your thoughts and emotions without analysing, judging and racing off ‘down the rabbit hole’ into misery takes some dedication and practice but is well worth putting time and practice into.

This ability is often referred to as Mindfulness and is a skill you will find yourself using constantly once acquired. Using Mindfulness helps us to tune into our compassionate side. It can be helpful to have an image of compassionate place that you can bring to mind when struggling with self-critical thoughts or feeling distressed.  Other soothing activities involve writing a compassionate letter to yourself or imagining being connected with a ‘compassionate other’ (this could be a real or imaginary person or animal). There are also many compassionate meditations along with instructions to do these activities widely available on the Internet from The Compassionate Mind website and others (listed at the end of this blog post).

For some people the idea of self-compassion feels uncomfortable and it is not to everybody’s taste (a little bit like marmite). Also, many people think that the practice of self-compassion will make us selfish or arrogant, but it actually has the opposite effect and helps to cultivate a calm acceptance of others. I have noticed from personal experience that through the practice of self-compassion I feel less threatened by and suspicious of others’ motives, therefore I am less anxious and irritable. As a result, other people seem to find me easier to be around and are more inclined to be compassionate towards me. If I make a mistake (and being human, I often make them!) I accept responsibility, try to understand what lead me in that direction and do what I can to avoid this in the future. By doing so, I am developing some wisdom (I hope) for the next time I’m up against an awkward or difficult situation.

In the modern world self-criticism and rumination are actively encouraged through our post-modern consumerist culture that tells us self improvement should be a constant endeavour in order to reach an indefinable state of perfection, which is not possible, creating more self-criticism and anxiety. I use the acronym shown below to help me remember how to maintain a compassionate mind:

BE WARM:

• B – Bravery
• E – Empathy
• W – Wisdom
• A – Acceptance
• R – Responsibility
• M – Motivation

We all do things we are ashamed of. Through owning our mistakes we accept and take responsibility for them. By doing this we can learn, forgive ourselves and live with growing wisdom, allowing us to cultivate a sense of warmth and affiliation with others.

I offer the mantra below, from mindful self compassion as a message of hope and good will to you all:

May you be safe and free from harm
May you be peaceful and happy
May you be healthy and strong
May you live with ease

Please note that this blog post is not intended as a replacement for professional help or therapy and I encourage anyone reading this who feels unable to cope alone to seek professional help. The Resources page on this website has information on helplines and organisations that offer support and further guidance.

References

Gilbert, P. (2009).  The Compassionate Mind: Compassion Focused Therapy.  London, Constable.

Irons, C. (2019). The Compassionate Mind Approach to Difficult Emotions: Using Compassion Focused Therapy. Robinson.

Lee, D., & James, S. (2012). The compassionate mind approach to recovering from trauma: Using compassion focused therapy. Hachette UK.

Welford, M. (2013). The power of self-compassion: using compassion-focused therapy to end self-criticism and build self-confidence. New Harbinger Publications.Recommended

Websites

The Compassionate Mind Foundation website has many useful resources free to use: https://www.compassionatemind.co.uk/

The website for the International organisation for Compassion can be found at: www.the-iacp.com

Daniel Siegel is an expert on neurobiology, mindfulness, compassion and clinical issues and has a fabulous website full of interesting resources:  www.mindsightinstitute.com

Randy Nesse has written a great deal on the evolutionary approach toaltruism and commitment which is very interesting and some of his papers are available on his website: http://www.randolphnesse.com/

The Research Alliance on Positive Psychology by Martin Seligman: www.positivepsychology.org 

The Happiness Formula is a series of programmes developed by the BBC, which can be found at: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/happiness_formula/

https://adhd-institute.com/burden-of-adhd/aetiology/neurobiology/

https://www.nationalgeographic.com/history/2020/04/for-autistic-adults-summer-camp-offers-rare-freedoms/